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Reimagining End of Life: An Advance Planning Case Report

1/16/2022

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(Name has been changed to protect the client’s identity.)
 
INTRODUCTION
Bill contacted me a few months after his mother unexpectedly passed away. Bill is 44 years old, divorced/single, and he has two children: one in college and the other, a senior in high school.
During our initial telephone call, Bill briefly shared with me the experience he had in managing the grief he felt around the loss of his mother and the additional stressors he had been under trying to handle her estate. He also expressed concern that he thought he hadn’t adequately prepared his children or close family members for what could happen or what he would want happen when he, himself, dies or if he were to have a life event where he would not be able to manage his own affairs. 
Bill was also concerned that his family had not talked in the past about aging, chronic illness, dying, or what to do at the end of life. He wanted to have conversations with his loved ones sooner rather than later to normalize the discussions, but he didn’t know how or where to start. He called me to inquire about the advance planning and holistic vision map series that I offer in my end-of-life coaching practice. 
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After our initial meeting, Bill decided to proceed with the vision map series. We signed an electronic agreement, and I sent him an introductory email and a link to my calendar. He was then able to easily schedule six subsequent appointments online, each about a week apart.

BILL’S VISION MAP SESSIONS
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Bill and I hit it off right away during the initial intake session, and I assured him about my promise of confidentiality. He stated he's the type of person who likes to know what to expect before embarking on a venture, so we talked more about the vision map process and the upcoming individual sessions themselves since we would be having our appointments over Zoom.
 
We began by talking about Bill's current reality in different areas of his life and his vision for a future care plan. Bill was able to open up more about what was on his heart and in his mind for the remainder of the scheduled time. At the end of the initial intake session, we confirmed the next meeting time, and I sent him the reflective homework questions for our first vision map session. 
 
We continued our appointments using the same format over the next five weeks, going through each of the domains: physical, mental, emotional, spiritual, and practical. Each week I would send Bill the reflective homework questions in advance, and then we would meet on Zoom to dialog about his answers and together come up with a plan to create action steps to ease his mind.

RESULTS
 
To protect Bill’s identity, I’m sharing just a sampling of the results from his completed vision map: 
 
Session No. 1 Spiritual Domain: After looking at his spiritual practices, Bill decided to reach out to some of his spiritual advisors with whom he had lost contact. He expressed that he believes in a heaven, and he realized how much he equates the concept of heaven to being in nature. He said it would bring him comfort to have a regular routine of walking, hiking, biking, or camping to find his center. 
 
Session No. 2, Emotional Domain: Bill wants to be involved in the decision-making process at the end of his life and had some fears around that issue. He doesn’t want his family to hold back from talking about hard things. Bill said he tends to worry about his family before taking care of his own needs so he might need “permission” from them. He asked if I would be available whenever he was ready to meet with his family, which I was happy to agree to do. 
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Session No. 3, Mental Domain: Bill never really considered how his family would describe him as a person. He realized he hadn’t recognized or embraced the accomplishments in his life either. Bill said he’s not yet ready to share all his emotions with his family. Still, he wants to write letters to the people most important to him and store them in a safe place so if he were to die unexpectedly, he would be sure that his loved ones got them, and they would know how he felt.
Session No. 4, Physical Domain: Although Bill expressed that he wants to remain in his home as long as possible as he ages, he admits his house is cluttered. His spare bedroom has turned into a storage space, which made him realize that it would be difficult for a care provider to come in or for him to maneuver if he needed assistance. Bill committed to spending the next two Saturdays cleaning out his spare room.
 
Session No. 5, Practical Domain: This session took us longer than any other session. We discussed body disposition and burial options. Bill said he does not have an Advance Care Directive, so he downloaded one from the State of Oregon and completed it prior to our appointment. He also has not been able to find the key to his safe deposit box, so within the week, he said he will either find it or go to the bank to get another one.
 
After our last session, I provided Bill with an electronic copy of all the action steps we had come up with together for his vision map. I also gave him a laminated copy of his end-of-life vision to put inside his important paperwork binder so it would be readily available to anyone if he was ever in a position that he could not express his wishes.

CONCLUSION
 
When I called Bill to follow up a month after our final vision map appointment, he shared that he had completed most of the items on his action list and felt a greater sense of ease and comfort. I asked Bill if he was ready to meet with his family. He said he was “close to it,” so we agreed to have another phone call in one more month to set a date to do so. 
 
When I called Bill again a month later to follow up, he said an opportunity had presented itself in the past few weeks when both of his kids were home from school visiting at the same time, and they were able to sit down and start a heartfelt conversation about aging, death, and dying. 
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One year later, I circled back around to Bill. He said that he had completed all his original action steps and thought of additional steps. He also said he was no longer feeling overwhelmed, he had a greater sense of relief, his family was communicating more comfortably about otherwise uncomfortable topics, and he had even made an appointment with an estate attorney.
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A Morning Routine Honoring the Five Domains

12/1/2020

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I seriously treasure my mornings and the routine I have in place, so I’d like to share a little more about it with you in detail. It seems such a simple topic to write about, yet mornings are such a magical and powerful time! 
 
In the Best Three Months © coaching process, creating a gentle and supportive routine is part and parcel of the practical domain.    
 
First, though, full disclosure: I’m naturally a morning person. For all of you night owls or late risers, please don’t hate me! Thankfully, my husband – who is retired – likes to sleep in a little later than I do so I can carve out alone time before he rises. I encourage you to figure out what works best for your situation because there are truly a million ways to create your day.  
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During this time of COVID, it seems more important than ever to create personal structure. There isn’t a whole lot in life that we can control, but I’ve found taking the time when I wake up to find my center has been invaluable. 
 
I want to give some examples of how to honor the different domains/realms of life in subtle, simple, daily ways.  Here’s how I structure my mornings and why:
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WAKING UP WITH INTENTION AND GRATITUDE
 
I have found that waking up at about the same time and going to bed at about the same time keeps me in balance.  Even on days when I don’t set the alarm, I tend to get up around the same time (or the cat lets me know it’s time to get up). 
 
I wish I could say more about waking up skills for people who like to sleep in or who hit snooze button more than once – but I just feel like I know when I need to wake up. I can only offer that if you’re setting the alarm, make sure you name the timer something really awesome like “Live Like a Badass Today.” 
 
Since my husband sleeps in a little longer than I do, I have the luxury of not having to worry about making the bed. If he hasn’t made the bed by the time I go back into the bedroom, it’s the next thing I do after I’ve finished my morning routine and before I hop in the shower to start my workday. 
EARLY MORNING BODY CARE
 
Diving into the physical domain, I immediately rinse off my face and add moisturizing drops to my eyes. I usually sleep soundly, so when I wake up in the morning, my body is craving hydration. Right after that, I walk straight to the kitchen and drink a big glass of warm water first thing. 
 
BRING ON THE COFFEE!
 
I love waking up to the process of boiling water for the French press, grinding coffee, and the first taste of caffeine in the morning.  Since I live a fairly frugal lifestyle, I have to admit that I indulge in buying good coffee beans. While the coffee is steeping, I walk around and “open up” the house by checking the plants to make sure they are watered and raising window coverings to let the light in.  
 
Since I live a relatively frugal lifestyle, I indulge in buying good coffee beans. Every morning I can have a new coffee to try because I buy a pound of coffee when I visit new places instead of buying curios in a gift shop.  Creating comfort is also a big part of physical domain coaching. 
 
 PRECIOUS TIME IN QUIETNESS
 
To address my needs in the spiritual domain, I go into my home office downstairs, turn up the heat, then light a candle and smudge my home altar space.  Almost every morning I draw an oracle card from a deck and read about it in the guide provided with the deck. I have several decks that I enjoy using; the Divine Feminine by Meggan Watterson and Golden Art Nouveau tarot cards are two of my favorites.   
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Then I spend about 25 minutes doing yoga/physical therapy exercises. One might think that this time would be in the physical domain.  For me, personally, with a history of significant physical injuries, I have dedicated the time honoring my own body's need better in the emotional domain.  

This is why I love how the Best Three Months © acknowledges how different domains in life overlap each other! 

 
After stretching, I go back upstairs and heat up an eye pillow that my optometrist gave me to fight eye dryness.  I use the warm eye pillow, a weighted blanket, and my earphones to do about a 25-minute guided self-hypnosis reprogramming meditation.  After I meditate, I write in my journal or bullet journal or do my morning pages for about 10 more minutes to honor my mental domain. 
 
I feel like how I start the morning sets the tone for the rest of the day.  I’m working hard these days to especially honor my boundaries and build my self-worth, so this cherished time is vital to me.  
 
I’d love to work with you to find ways to nurture yourself in all the domains of life, too!  Please comment below to share a morning routine that you find especially helpful! 
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Staying Connected with Friends and Loved Ones

11/18/2020

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Zoom has been a great resource lately for connection, that's for sure. I honestly don't know what I'd personally (or professionally) do without Zoom and other online meeting platforms right now during these challenging times,  and I'm so grateful to have those options.

This morning, however, I pondered other more intentional and personal ways that didn’t include digital media that I could feel connected with my loved ones during the pandemic. 

I want to share what I came up with with you today.  And if you have any other ideas to add, please post them in the comments!  

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  • Create a scrapbook of memories.  Seriously, it doesn’t have to be fancy and it almost never is the first time you try to start a scrapbook. A scrapbook might just be as simple as a binder that has items taped in it such as a wrist bracelet or ticket stub of an event you attended with a friend, photos, or a menu from a late night restaurant. It doesn't even have to be a scrapbook! I made a garland, of sorts, of photos I printed of people and animals I love, strung together with raffia to hang up in my house.  

  • Plant a tree or buy fresh cut flowers that reminds you of your friend or loved one.  

  • Watch a movie independently, each curled up in your own cozy chair and wrapped in a blanket eating popcorn. Then call each other after the movie and talk about it! My current recommendation is "The Queen’s Gambit" miniseries on Netflix. We’ve had so many family discussions about it already! 

  •  Start a book club. 

  • Listen to cherished music.  Whenever I listen to Pink Martini’s song “Hey, Eugene,” it reminds me of a special time together I had in the past with my husband and two of my daughters.  

  • Light a candle and sit alone in quietness, allowing any emotions to come up.  
 
  • Visit a favorite spot that your loved one also likes to visit.  You might learn a little bit about them.  Ask them to be your FaceTime tour guide! 
 
  • Ask your friend or loved one to send a token item to you so that you can carry around a cherished object of theirs -- or wear a piece of their jewelry or clothing. 
 
  • Set a place setting for your loved one when preparing a meal. Consider serving their favorite meal even if it varies from your own  palate of vegan curried lentils.  It might include something  like KFC, Doritos, beer, or a pint of ice cream -- speaking from personal  experience...
  • Go out on a limb and create an intentional work of art that reflects your feelings.  

  • Learn all about and then make a donation to a charity in the name of your loved one. 

  • Write a letter by longhand, if possible – or a typewritten letter in the mail would also be well-received, surely.  Better yet, write a poem or haiku.  I’ve lately been sewing appliquéd postcards with fabric scraps that I’m sending out periodically to those I love. 
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  • Spend time out in nature.  One of my favorite things to do is go for a hike in the woods and bring home a tree branch to make a "prayer stick."  It's sweet to infuse the energy of loved ones into the ribbons and bells and decorations, then to hear them tinkle in the wind. 
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Take it from someone like me whose love language is touch, I recognize how difficult 2020 has been to find ways to connect with others.  I wish you so much strength of heart.  
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A Down to Earth Altar

11/5/2020

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I once believed -- and you may have, too -- that altars were only found in religious buildings. The word “altar” comes from the Latin words “altus,” meaning “high” and “adolere,” meaning “to adore.” Simply stated, an altar is used in a place of honor to draw on a higher power.
 
But an altar can also be located in a home as a sacred area set aside for devotion. It can be constructed for other intentional purposes, too, such as a focal point during meditation or to relax, a place to find inspiration, celebrate joy, or honor grief. An altar might purely be reminding you to take time for yourself for peace, healing, and serenity. 
 
Creating an altar doesn’t have to be complicated or based on any set of ideas that don’t particularly resonate with you, and there’s no need to follow complex instructions either!   
 
An altar is usually set up on a flat surface and prepared in such a way to receive meaningful items placed upon it that have symbolism: candles, flowers, stones, other elements of nature, books, quotes, photos, a decorative box, and various other important tangible items.  
 
Choosing what to put on an altar is a personal and intuitive process and is meant to inspire a connection with the theme of the altar. Altars can remain set up and added to periodically or taken down and a new one assembled at any time. 

The basic steps I use to make my own humble altar:
1.   
I find a space where I can set up, somewhere my pets can’t get to it or is in a little to no traffic area. Since I’m not receiving visitors during the pandemic, I currently have an altar set up on a cabinet in my downstairs office which doubles as a yoga/meditation/tai chi space and is also our guest bedroom. 
​2.   Then I arrange a piece of cloth as a cover, a material that I think is beautiful to me or resonates with the theme of my altar.  I currently am using a blue scarf that has been “charged” outside in the wind.  But a piece of family lace, an article of clothing, an antique napkin, or any other fabric will serve nicely. 
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3.   I place a candle in the center of the cloth and light the candle, first, to represent the element of fire, an element of nature, and also to illuminate the sacred space I am crafting. The candle holder I’ve chosen this month is made of wood that was given to me as a gift, which also is significant since I am not able to be with the friend who gave it to me because of COVID social distancing.
4.   Additionally, I add items to represent various elements of nature, for example:
             - Earth (stones, gems, rocks, shells, herbs, flowers)
             - Air (feathers, incense, bell)
             - Water (a beautiful dish or vessel of spring water, flower essences)
5.   This month I also pulled an oracle card to place on my altar.  In fact, I will draw a card every morning this month. 
6.   Once the basics of physically setting up the altar are in place, I’ll then start the creation process and add any sacred items that fit the theme of my altar. For instance, around this time of year some people honor their ancestors by placing items of remembrance or photos of loved ones on the altar. But for me, for this particular altar, my intent is to create a dedicated area where I can visit every morning to stay grounded during a time in our country and the world that I’m finding particularly chaotic.  

Remember, it’s not necessarily just about the items you place on your altar. It’s the time you spend with it,  In a sense, your body is a reflection of your altar, and your altar is a form of your art. 
I also like to keep a journal near my altar so I can write down my wishes, dreams, desires, thoughts and fears that come up when I’m taking the time  in quietness.   Using the dedicated time at the altar can be a new and creative way to look at situations in life and it allows me to connect with a divine higher power. 

In today’s modern age, we can become seduced by society and lose the connection we have with our ancestors and with the earth itself. An altar can create a spiritual center in your home and help to increase positive energy and flow throughout your home. 
 
Check back to my blog the first week of every month where I’ll be highlighting other "Down to Earth" Altars: some traditional, some non-traditional, some having to do with current events, and some to honor personal events that are coming up. 
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Moving Through Challenging Emotions

9/14/2020

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Legacy Projects

2/12/2020

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What is your legacy?  
 
Simply stated, a legacy tells the story and meaning of your life after you are gone. Your legacy could relate to your faith, family, or personal achievements.  
 
One way to leave a legacy is through a legacy project.  
 
A legacy project is different than an heirloom, as an heirloom is an object of value that has been handed down in a family for several generations. A legacy project is specific to YOU.  
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A legacy project is a tangible item meant to communicate in a summary who you were. It can be in the form of words, images -- or even music -- that provides information after you’re gone about what was most important to you, about your characteristics, and how you’d like to be remembered. 
 
When considering a legacy project, consider talking to people you trust about what would best express what you love to do, your skills, what you want to say, the memories you would like to evoke, and how you’d like to express your love.  

In my lifetime, I’ve been fortunate enough to have been the recipient of legacy projects from family and friends who have passed away. Having a tangible item that I can hold and treasure close to my heart reminds me of the special person who is no longer physically present in my life and preserves their memory.  
 
I am moved deeply when I consider the thoughtfulness and effort, in light of all the other circumstances, that must have gone into creating a gift that was meant specifically for me, and how my loved one would prefer for me to remember him/her.
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A dear elder friend gifted me a meditation shawl made out of what started as woven cloth he had saved from his younger days trekking in Nepal. When my friend was diagnosed with prostate and bladder cancer, I learned he had made arrangements to have his cherished blanket brought to him in hospice care. It was there where he carefully pulled on some of the thick strings that held the fabric together and separated the material into several pieces to give to his loved ones.  

Here are some other examples of legacy projects:   
 
Write a Book
 
Your legacy book doesn’t have to be fancy or professionally published. If you want to put your life events into words, consider writing a biography.  
 
Maybe you love to cook? If so, consider creating a cookbook of all those wonderful tried and true recipes that you developed over the years that can be passed on for generations.  
 
If you are a world traveler, why not share your impressions of all the places you have visited and the impact your adventures had on your life?  
 
Perhaps there is a story of a single milestone etched in your memory, and it is time to put that experience on paper? 
 
Also, it’s okay to use humor.  Your family will love and appreciate that aspect of you if that is your natural demeanor! 
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Personal Letters
 
A powerful note consisting of two sentences addressed to me from my mother fell out of a book as I was packing up her belongings after she died. My mother was never especially open about her feelings. She was stoic in her struggle with ALS, so finding a single piece of paper that she had obviously struggled to handwrite in her final months was emotional and provided some closure. 

Everyone loves to receive a letter in the mail. Consider how meaningful it would be for your loved one to receive a message from you after you’re gone that you penned and put away for such a time?  
 
Topics you might want to consider: 
  • Anything that has been left unsaid for whatever reason:  pride, shame, disagreement, harmony, etc.
  • What you love and appreciate the most about the person
  • Any fond memories you have with the person
  • What has impacted you in life
  • What you would want others to know about you that you kept hidden
  • How you want to be remembered
  • Offering forgiveness or resolution of an issue
 
If you don’t like to write or cannot write, ask for help from someone you trust. 
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A Piece of Art
 
Whether you consider yourself an artist or not, artwork is something that can be displayed in the family home where everyone can see it and have a personal connection. 
 
Today, if you’d like to explore your own creative nature, consider collaging with magazine cutouts, quilting/sewing, or trying watercolors or pottery. With most art forms, you can usually find a way to add a note or signature to personalize it.  

A friend told me that when her mother and father were first married, her father made a wooden side table for her mother to use near her favorite chair in the evenings. Over the years, her mother didn’t have the heart to upgrade the simple table because it reminded her of their humble beginning years together when times were lean.  


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When my friend’s father became ill many years later, and towards the end of his life, he would whisper to my friend, his daughter, to “look under the table.” She could not understand what he meant. After her father passed away, her mother decided to move to a care facility. As they were moving furniture, under the old side table long covered with a lace tablecloth, was tacked a love note written by her father decades before. 
 
I recently read an article about a woman who, every Thanksgiving, brought out the same tablecloth and asked her loved ones to write their names on it in pen. After the holidays, she would embroider the names onto the fabric, and then bring the tablecloth out again year after year. Imagine how touching it will be to whoever receives such a well-thought-out and loving legacy project!  
 
Journal or Diary
 
A journal or diary with a specific purpose can be a unique gift, as it memorializes how one feels through daily challenges. If you are ill, recording your experiences in a journal as the days progress might be helpful not only to your family but will offer an opportunity for you to also express how you are navigating through difficult times. 
 
If journaling doesn’t seem like your idea of a legacy project, perhaps consider making an audio or video recording. 
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Legacy projects are not only for those who will receive them someday but are powerful tools for the giver, as they have a tendency to resolve issues and express love.  
 
For more information on legacy projects, contact me!  ​​​​​​​​​​
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Ease and Flow at Home (Part 2)

1/27/2020

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Yesterday, I posted Part 1 of “Moving with Ease and Flow at Home."
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At the request of a friend, today I’m posting Part 2 in which I share about creating efficiency and harmony around meals and the time spent in the kitchen.  
 
Please comment with your own helpful hints about what systems you’ve put in place and how you’ve made your home especially cozy!  

Home is the starting place of love, hopes, and dreams.

​When I am in my kitchen in the evenings, that is my dedicated "me time."  Service to others – through food preparation – I am pretty sure is part of my love language.  
 
In fact, my husband recently bought me a couple certificates for classes alongside renowned culinary chef, Bob, at our local cooking school, EVOO. 
 
Admittedly, part of my personality, too, is that I like to be productive and efficient! 
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For example, if I’m waiting for our dinner to cook, it's a perfect time to wash and cut up vegetables and put them in mesh bags in the refrigerator, and then use the cuttings to start a broth base to freeze later after its cooled.  It's also an opportune time to get the Instantpot going with beans or grains.  How easy is it while sautéing or waiting for water to boil to grate cheese and put it in beeswax wrap or do some other little task that will be a time-saver in the following days.   

I have this thought:  It takes longer to go out to a restaurant, so why not make our own “fast food” at home?

Another thing we have established in our home is that while we are eating dinner together, we’ll decide what’s for dinner the next day! 
 
I have found the best time to consciously choose what to make is when I am partially satiated and not when I’m roaming the aisles of a grocery store trying to figure out what to buy.  After sitting down at the dining room table to eat, my memory is fresh with ideas after just being in the kitchen.  

While my husband cleans up and loads the dishwasher, I’ll make sure we have everything in stock so that I know ahead of time whether or not I need to go to the grocery store the next day.  
 
I’ve raised a lot of kids and I’ve been programmed to be the meal planner in the family.  Nowadays with everyone out on their own, even though I still feel a little pressure to perform, it’s more intentional for me to stay present during the day when I don’t even have to think about what to make for dinner.

If I know it’s going to be a super busy week, I’ll pull leftovers out of the freezer a day or two beforehand to defrost. I always try to make extra servings of dishes or double recipes so I can slip something in the refrigerator freezer on most nights.
 
I recently had foot surgery and was on a scooter unable to bear weight for 6 weeks.  If you can believe it, we had 17 meals ready to go in the freezer for while I was out of commission! 
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I can’t express enough the added value of planning ahead!

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In our home, we implement primarily a plant-based diet but we do also eat some fish, eggs, and cheese.  Dishes that are our favorites and that are easy to make extras of and freeze are lasagna, enchiladas, soup, creamy lentils, and chili. 
 
For another super quick meal, any combination of soup, salad, and/or sandwich is handy and healthy.  

Other home-prepared “fast food” meal options I can suggest if you’re short on time or especially exhausted after a hard day: 
  • strata using leftover or dry bread (savory pumpkin is a favorite)
  • frittata with winter squashes (delicata squash is especially pretty when mixed with purple potatoes and caramelized onions)
  • curries of all colors using up soft or “imperfect” vegetables
  • we firmly believe almost everything can be made into a taco or burrito 
  • omelets 
  • rice or grain dishes mixing in chopped vegetables and nuts, scrambled egg, or lentils as a protein source
  •  vegetable hash with legumes
  
I hope you find these kitchen hints useful! 
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And now that you’ve co-created a super cozy home, have plenty of ideas to fill your loved ones’ bellies, and maneuver with ease and flow, here’s a quick side note to wrap up:  

It is also VERY GOOD to have a location somewhere else outside the home that also makes YOU comfortable and happy: a friend or relative’s place, a bakery or coffee shop, the gym, a cabin in the mountains, even the library. 

When all is said and done, home isn’t a place; it’s a feeling.  It's ESSENCE.  
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Ease and Flow at Home (Part 1)

1/27/2020

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​Did a parent or someone who you grew up around ever say to you that life is going to be hard, that you had to work tirelessly for what you want, or that nothing in life is free? Or maybe you repeatedly heard some other “character-building” statement that formed the basis of who you would become?

I sure did. 

Some belief systems need to be kiboshed!


​Although days certainly can present their challenges, life doesn’t have to be complicated. In fact, life can be deliciously sweet.  
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“If light is in your heart, you will find your way home.” ~ Rumi

​My home is my sanctuary.

I feel that anyone who steps through my door should have an experience of peace, and find a place to recharge, rejuvenate, reconnect, and build up resources to tackle the outside world.  
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Honestly, I didn't always think this way, though. My childhood was nomadic and dysfunctional, so it took time to learn what the word "home" meant. 

​As a young adult, I raised a passel of kids and learned to run a pretty tight ship based on efficiency first.  Although we had a fairly comfortable existence, I wouldn't say that our house was particularly cozy back then.  

I’d like to share with you a few things I’ve picked up along the way to maybe help make things move with more consciousness, ease, and flow for you in your home, too:
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AS A PART OF YOUR DAILY ROUTINE:
  • Try a bullet journal ("BuJo") for keeping yourself motivated and organized, while also feeding your creative vitality. You’ll be surprised at how fun it is to play with pages such as a health tracker, a monthly maintenance list, a place to write down what you are grateful for or the highlight of your day.  
​I sometimes feel like a kid when I get into my BuJo and put a little star next to a completed task! My BuJo is the first thing I go to in the morning to sketch out what my day might look like and the last thing I look at before I go to bed.  ​

  • Take a few minutes the night before to get things together to make going out the door easier in the morning. I have what I call a to/from bag near the stairs that I put everything I need into to run errands.  Keep your keys in the same place all the time! 
  • Make your bed every day.  In a 2014 speech that went viral, Admiral William H. Craven shared with the graduating class at the University of Texas at Austin the following: 
“If you make your bed every morning you will have accomplished the first task of the day. It will give you a small sense of pride, and it will encourage you to do another task and another and another. By the end of the day, that one task completed will have turned into many tasks completed. 

Making your bed will also reinforce the fact that little things in life matter. If you can't do the little things right, you will never do the big things right. 

And, if by chance you have a miserable day, you will come home to a bed that is made — that you made — and a made bed gives you encouragement that tomorrow will be better.”
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HOUSEHOLD CHORES: 
Educate and empower each person to create a fair division of labor. If you’ve lived in the same location for five years and your partner doesn’t know where the laundry soap is kept or what day the trash and recycles go out to the curb, something has got to change! Living together is a team approach.  
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  • My husband and I share a common grocery list on a reminder app on our phones. If one of us can make it to the store first, that’s great, and it gets marked off the shared list. It's even possible to add something to the list at the last minute. That way there aren’t 583 cans of petite cut diced tomatoes and 5 pounds of peanut butter in the cupboard – but we’re out of toilet paper in the master bathroom.  

  • Everything in its place.  Return items to where you got them after use so everyone in the house knows where things are at.  The time spent looking for something you need is wasted time that could be better used doing something you enjoy.  My husband jokes with me that I have some ancient knowledge based on me always saying “that’s where it goes​." I’m the Queen of Goes.  
  • Have backup toiletries.  There’s nothing worse than climbing into the shower and finding out you’re completely out of shampoo.  I have a nice-looking big wooden cigar box where I keep samples.  It’s also convenient to be able to pull the box out when company comes over in case they have forgotten something.  
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My next blog post is a continuation of "Ease and Flow at Home."  Part 2 will focus on the kitchen and mealtime.  

Please comment with your own helpful hints on creating the efficient and peaceful environment you've created with your children, at home, work, or when traveling!  
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7 Things to Do Today to Honor Your Growth in 2020

1/7/2020

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If you haven't heard, it’s a new year and a new decade! Maybe you’re still trying to figure out your "word" for 2020 or busy making resolutions? 

There can be all sorts of feelings that arise when looking back on how last year was navigated and also the excitement of  what might manifest in the year to come.  

I imagine, like me, you’ve had your fair share of challenges as well as celebrated accomplishments, experiencing joy alongside some difficulties and pain.  
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Here are just 7 things to reflect on, and to replenish and build up reserves for yourself as you start the year with 2020 vision! 
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1.  Set Personal Boundaries – Know your feelings and where you stand on subjects.  Be kind yet direct with others.  Say yes to offers that inspire you and no to the ones that do not.  Do you know what an “absolute yes” and an “absolute no” feels like for you? Are your heart, body, and voice in congruence? 
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2.  Recognize Your Uniqueness – In this age of social media, please don’t compare yourself to others, especially what you see on the Internet.  You have a special gift to offer to the world exactly as you are. Learn what true authenticity is that brings out your light to the world and what your core essences are -- don’t betray them!
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​3.  Cultivate a Loving Circle of Friends – Hang out with people who accept you as you are, who you trust, and who you respect and respect you. There’s really only so much energy you can give to others, and your life will be richer for using discernment in who you choose to have around you and who you choose to be around. 
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4.  Take the Time to Rest – Sleep.  Meditate.  Play.  Breathe.  What does “rest” mean to you?  Take a walk in the woods, read on the porch, put a towel down at the beach, or do art.  Feed your soul and your vitality. 

5.  Dream About the Future – Imagine what you want in life, what you’d love for your life to be like, what you want to do, who you want in it, and what goals you want to accomplish. My opinion is that visioning “pre-validates” what is possible.

6.  Organize Your Life and Create Home Rituals – Clutter creates chaos. External chaos manifests as internal chaos.  Keep things simple and create more space for relationships instead of stuff.  Time spent looking for something is wasted time, so put personalized systems in place that serve your own needs. Celebrate all the little things.  "Hygge" means cozy...Have a hygge life! 
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7.  Create a Home Altar -- An altar is a sacred space set aside in the home for devotion.  The word "altar" is derived, in part, from the word "adore." Altars are usually made of a flat surface and receive items placed upon them that have symbolism for the “theme”:  candles, 
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flowers, stones, books or quotes, photos, and various other important tangible items and elements of nature.   Choosing what to put on an altar is an intuitive process and connects you inside with people, things, feelings, and thoughts that are beloved.   
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"Death Cleaning" Can Begin Anytime

12/19/2019

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I’ve long espoused the benefits of a minimalist lifestyle. It seems easy for me because when I was a child, I moved around a lot and rarely had the opportunity to become attached to much of anything. 
 
As an adult, I do find it more comforting to live in a small, cozy house with few items rather than too spacious of a house that needs to be filled with furniture I won't use and “stuff,” especially anything that requires regular dusting! Ick.  
 
I just finished up a quick read of a book from a wonderfully witty and wise Swedish woman (who is "between the age of 80 and 100"), Margareta Magnusson, author of “The Gentle Art of Swedish Death Cleaning:  How to Free Yourself and Your Family from a Lifetime of Clutter.” I highly recommend it! 
 
"Death cleaning" isn’t a reference to what to do with a body after somebody dies!  It is about forward-thinking that makes everyday life run smoothly now and for your loved ones in the future. It is about removing unnecessary things from your life and making your home orderly and pleasant.  
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“We learn the process of emptying out, cleaning house, both within and without.”  

​~ Brenda Shoshanna

Have some of your possessions been with you so long that you don't appreciate them or can't see the value in them anymore? It may be rewarding to spend an amount of time with them, and then gently disposing of them or giving them away. 
 
When you are gone, can you imagine that anyone in your family or circle of friends will wish to or be able to schedule the time to take care of what you didn’t bother to take care of yourself now? No matter how much people love you, you shouldn’t leave this burden to them. Make your loved ones’ memories of you sweet instead of dreadful. Once someone is gone, there can be chaos enough anyway.  
 
We can plan in advance to lessen unhappy moments for our loved ones. When someone passes away, there are things to take care of that are more urgent and complicated than going through their leftover belongings.    

How to begin your own death cleaning while you’re still alive:
 
Your first choice of where to begin should feel natural for you.  A good option is one with many items to choose from and without too much emotional connection.  (Do not under any circumstances start with photographs, letters, or mementos.) 
Try starting with clothes. We only wear about 20 percent of the clothes we have. Clothes are often so specific in size and taste that unless you know someone who is roughly the same as you, it is best to just give clothes away. One way to decide what to keep is that garments in a closet should look good together, and you should be able to mix and exchange them with each other.

Offsite storage units and storage areas in the home, those little nooks and crannies, garages, and garden sheds are another place to start. 
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Go through the larger items in your home and finish with the smaller ones. You'll feel like you're making progress faster. 
 
Get rid of abundance! For example, the author suggests keeping just one set of dishes, glassware, and utensils for the number of guests that you can fit at your table. If you want to decorate your table for dining, you can use flowers or bright napkins instead. 
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Another trick is if you are invited to someone’s home, don’t buy the host flowers or a present -- give away one of your pretty things! 

Only keep books that you haven’t read yet or books that you return to often.  This is usually a difficult thing to accept for a lot of people.  
What do you do with private, secret, or sentimental items? If it was your cherished secret, then keep it a secret. If you think your secret will cause your loved ones harm or unhappiness, then make sure to destroy whatever it is.  

If you are offered things that don’t really want from other people, you should be honest and say no, thank you.  Moving items someone does not want in their own house to another house is not the right solution for anyone involved. 
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Remember, too, that your memories and your families’ memories of photographs are not always the same.  You really should be able to name everyone in a picture if you're attached to it.  It might be easier to involve your family when going through old photos so you do not have to carry the weight of all those memories by yourself and you are less likely to get stuck in the past. 
 
Living smaller is a relief and a mess can be a source of irritation.  All things should have a place of their own. Give everything a spot and you won’t feel angry, irritated, or desperate.  To hunt for a lost item is never an effective use of time.  
 
While you are death cleaning, you must not forget to take care of today's things:  your sweet home, the garden, and yourself.
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Thinking of where your objects will end up can be crucial.  Don’t offer things to others that do not fit into their taste or the space in which they live.  It will be a burden to them.  To know something will be well used and have a new home is a real joy.
 
It can be a delight to go through things and have memories. If you don’t remember why or where you have something, it has no worth and it should be easy for you to part with.  
 
Someday someone will have to clean up after you. Whoever it may be will find it a heart-wrenching burden.  And yet, it is very hard to do one's own death cleaning.  In the end, death cleaning is as much or more for you as for the people who come after you. 
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Ceremony in Our World Today

12/11/2019

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“…As long as you remember what you have seen, then nothing is gone. As long as you remember, it is part of this story we have together.” ~ Leslie Marmon Silko

We can all agree that we still find tradition, ritual, pomp and circumstance in our modern world at celebrations such as weddings, birthday parties, and graduations. ​
But elements of ceremony can also be discovered in our local and national customs, at funerals, and in marking the seasons and days of sustenance.  

​It’s during these times when we have the opportunity to reflect on who we are, where we came from, and how we thrive as individuals and together as a society.
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Ceremonies serve to honor life's landmark events; they allow us to bring into light acknowledgment of a transition or a rite of passage. They reflect our beliefs and hopes and fears and draw forth the quieter aspects of spirituality. 
 
A ceremony, done correctly, is a transformative process and allows us to serve as witnesses to each other, bringing people together to show that they are united, and to strengthen the bonds in relationships and communities.​

A personalized ceremony motivates us as an individual, honors our own Hero's Journey, allows us to accept and embrace our varied emotions, prompts our memories, and compels us to move forward after a significant life event.  
 
Ceremonies recognize the social life, history, and material and spiritual beliefs of the people who came before us and who it is we choose to be in the future. They also provide a valuable opportunity for a tradition to be passed down from generation to generation.
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Cultural ceremonies are essential because they define our identity and help us better understand our ancestors and family values. For example, the long-standing Olympics have both an opening and closing ceremony that includes every country’s participation.  

Historically, ceremonies and rituals were associated with organized religion. Nowadays, an option to a church-based ceremony service is to engage a “Celebrant.”  
 
A Celebrant is a professionally educated and trained storyteller, one who believes in the power of using personal symbolism and ritual to craft a ceremony intended to heal, transform, honor, and commemorate life’s meaningful moments.  
 
Celebrancy does not represent any particular faith tradition but blends together the modern day desires, beliefs, and needs of the client.  As we enter new paradigms, opportunities still exist to explore and express our evolving rites of passage.
Here are three examples how a Celebrant might be an option for marking your next milestone:  
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  • Wedding Celebrants write personalized love stories and are also officiants who are legally able to perform marriages and union commitments.
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  • Funeral Celebrants commemorate end-of-life events and write personalized eulogies, often working alongside funeral homes or the client directly in end-of-life planning. 
  • Celebrants co-create ceremonies across the life cycle, such as gender reveal gatherings or baby blessings, adolescent rites of passage, finalizing of a divorce, downsizing, house warming events, or to honor retirement.  
 
The hallmark of a Celebrant is to co-create a ceremony using the client's beliefs, personal storytelling, ritual, and symbolism to commemorate and honor the lives of individuals, families, and communities.   
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Networking for Introverted Business Owners: The Struggle is Real!

7/16/2019

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​I consider myself a high-functioning introvert, but it’s still sometimes difficult for me to attend social events and open up to people, even if I've met them before.  

(In the Myers-Briggs personality test, I’m an INFJ and in the Enneagram of Personality, I’m a Type 4.)  
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Introverts tend to be reflective and withdrawn, yet usually feel safe and thrive in one-to-one, deep, intimate and personal relationships.  

But in order to find those relationships, we introverts need to put ourselves out there in sometimes uncomfortable situations to meet people in ways we can stretch but not tear.  


Being a small business entrepreneur and an introvert to boot can present challenges when it comes to networking.  Small talk can be intimidating and doesn’t come especially easy for introverts, and it takes a lot of effort to establish rapport with people we’ve just met.    

Over the years I have been in business, I have picked up a few tips and tricks to share with you that have helped me navigate Chamber of Commerce events, business-to-business meetings, big gatherings, and mastermind groups.  

The 10-Minute Rule:
Sometimes, you know, well, it’s just trying to get out of the house.  So I motivate myself as if I were getting ready to play a role in a theater:  put on the makeup, put on the costume (business outfit), strategically place the props (name tag), and get in the car and go.  

Once I'm actually out of the comfort of my own home, I commit to being at an event for at least 10 minutes.  I tell myself I can leave after 10 minutes if I want to but I usually don't want to leave since I've put effort into getting myself there!
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Full disclosure:  I vividly recall twice in my career when I had implemented the 10-Minute Rule, drove to the event, parked the car in the parking lot, only to sit there and watch people walk in, then turned myself around and drove back home.  ​

Don’t Be A Leech:
Once I arrive at an event, in order to not cling on to one person I feel especially comfortable with and hold them hostage, I  commit in advance to meeting three to five new people.

Conversely, if someone latches on to me –- probably another introvert or even worse for an introvert, an energy vampire --  I state to the person I am talking to that I am "stretching myself to grow in social settings," and I tell them that I committed to meeting three to five people at the event.  I thank them for understanding and I might ask them if they can introduce me to someone!

Match Body Language:
Work on listening skills if you don’t know what to say.  If all else fails, match another person’s mannerisms.  Turn your body at a 45-degree angle from the other person if facing them is too intense. 

Be authentic and not someone you think they want you to be.  If you don't know how to interact or feel frozen, at least observe and use the information you acquire as information to grow and use at the next event. 

Side note:  It's important to try to show up.  I feel like people need at least three contacts with you before they consider using your services:  
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1. They need to know your name; 
2. They need to know what you have to offer;  
3. There needs to be trust or a connection. 

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Ask a Buddy:
Sometimes I will try to find someone I already know in the business community who belongs to a networking group already.  I might ask them ahead of time, hey, I'm a little nervous and a little introverted, would it be okay if I look for you when I get there? 

Once I find that person at the event and become familiar with my surroundings then with their support, I'm able to venture out from my comfort zone.  
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Be Prepared and Be Organized:
I wear a name tag on my right side chest so that when someone reaches for my hand to shake it, they can see my name and business right there without diverting their eyes, and perhaps immediately start a conversation either about my name or what I have to offer. 

I wear pants or a jacket with two pockets, one on each side.  I will keep all my own business cards in the left pocket and all the cards I collect in the right pocket.  When I meet someone, I  can then extend my right hand to shake their hand and I  know that my own business cards are in the left pocket easily grabbing one with my left hand.  


Then if they offer me their card, I put their business card in my right pocket so I don't get them all mixed together and have to fumble through cards during the next introduction. 

As a small business owner you probably already know how important it is to attend networking events in order to build your business.  Whether you are introverted or not, I hope that you find these hints useful. If you have any other hints to share, leave them in a comment!   
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5 Ways to Spark Creativity (originally posted 11/06/18)

5/16/2019

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Couples Get In Touch (originally posted 10/16/18)

5/16/2019

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Auditioning and Honoring Essences and Soul Motivations (originally posted 10/10/18)

5/16/2019

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What is a Mala and How is it Used? (originally posted 10/05/18)

5/16/2019

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​The Enneagram's Three Centers (originally posted 09/25/18)

5/14/2019

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The Essential Beginning (originally posted 08/04/18)

5/14/2019

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The Secret to Moving with Ease and Flow: Declutter! (originally posted 08/08/18)

5/14/2019

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DONATE, TOSS and/or RECYCLE, and KEEP (originally posted 08/22/18)

5/14/2019

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